Isn't this the most amazing thought!! I think that it is true, right down to it's core! So, I decided that I wanted to write tonight..however, I wasn't sure what to write, or better yet...how to write what I wanted to say...but, thennnnnn....I found this quote....and it is SOOOO perfect for where I'm at...and I think that there are some others out there in the same place...so, here I am...totally intrigued by this and the meaning that I find in it...sooooo...here are my thoughts...EEEEEK!!! :)
I've known a lot of different kinds of people in my life..and I do believe that people are put on our paths for a reason...always a lesson or something to find within yourself that you need to have to go on...I know that sounds overly dramatic, but the more I look at where my life is and where I want it to go...I see why some of those people were brought into my life...always something positive if we look at it in the right light. Sometimes I think to myself..why do I always end up like this or that or why did that happen....hmmmmm...and then...THENNNNN...I thought....what did I do to make this happen...what was MY part in the problem....as selfish as this sounds, I had never considered my own self in the equation...it was all about what someone else was doing to ME...what???? REALLY??? Did I not allow certain things to happen while I sat there quietly...screaming on the inside that I was actually allowing these things..I was partaking in the whole scenerio..even if it was something that I knew was wrong..I don't feel good about myself for some of the decisions that I made...was I putting someone else's thoughts about themselves on the line??? Was I risking someone else's dignity to satisfy my own self???? Did I even consider another person's feelings about this...what if what I was doing, someone else was doing to me...how would I feel??? For so many years, I don't think that I have ever really considered myself a part of anything..I was just moving about in this world being unnoticed...there was never really any impact that I was having on anyone...they may think about me while I'm right there in front of them, but once I left...no thought was ever had about me...which in turn lead to me doing things that I don't feel were something that I would ever do..but...I WAS DOING THEM...I was doing things that I could have NEVER imagined myself doing...talking about people with other people...gossiping...trying to please the world that I "felt" didn't care whether or not I was alive or dead...because, I thought that I was just some shadow that skated through life with no consequences...and I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!! HORRIBLE...UNTHINKABLE....SOOO ASHAMED OF MYSELF!!!!
They say that the things that someone else does that make you SO mad...you are SO annoyed that you think that you are going to explode...you cannot even fathom being that narrow minded...that stubborn...that whatever it is that really gets to you...anyway, they say that if you look closely at the things that bother you the MOST about another person, those are the things about yourself that you hate the most or the part of yourself that you don't want anyone else to know about, because it's THAT bad!! I've thought about this particular thought and I think to myself...I would NEVER do that...there's that "never" word...one that we should NOT use...because if we look deep, deep.....realllllllly deeeeeeeeeeeeeep....(disclaimer..this is a new discovery of mine...like within the last couple of weeks and a really good friend to help me see) anyway...you will see...looking back on the past few years (aka: decades) of my life...I think about all of the memories I've made..all of the people that I've met...all the things that I can remember vividly saying or doing....and then I think about all of the times that I was at the lowest points in my life and what was going on when I got into those dark places that I didn't think had an end....what was I doing...what was I saying??? I wasn't doing or saying things that I was proud of...that's for sure! After doing a little reevaluating of my life and where it was heading these past few days...I've realized that at the lowest points in my life...I was doing and saying things that go against almost everything that I believe myself to be! Does that make any sort of sense??? NOOOOO!!!
So...enter in the quote from above....many of the things in our lives that we view as the "end of the world"..things just couldn't possibly get any worse...we start questioning our self worth...looking for ANY answer that would make this "suffering" make sense....we make desperate choices...we believe everything anyone tells us...we are desperate to figure this out and will go to any lengths to make the ultimate discovery of our own destruction...when all along, we/I are the one's destroying ourselves...we allow all of this negativity into our lives...we set traps for it so we can catch it...so we can feel a part of something...anything...even if it is the most horrible thing...we will find a way to actually "enjoy" it...because after all...that makes us mean something...gives us validation for our own selves and also makes it so we don't have to take any sort of responsibility for what we do because..I was just doing what everyone else was doing...just like I'll jump off of the cliff just because the other people did...even though I knew that it would be to my own demise...those are the people that don't care about you...those are the one's that are just using you to fill in for something that they are missing, because if someone REALLY cares about you..they would be the one's there screaming and pulling you back...yelling at you to NOT jump...bringing you back to the reality that you lost somewhere along the line....THOSE ARE THE ONE'S THAT MATTER..those are the one's that make all of the difference in the world!!
Now that I've rambled on and on...as usual...haha!! Anyway...sometimes the darkest times in our lives are the times that have the most beautiful lessons hidden in them...we only need to open our eyes and our minds and realize that we are not the only one's on the Earth...there are millions of other people...millions of other scenerios...millions of people suffering...millions of people celebrating wonderful moments in life...we need to see and appreciate people for where they are at in life...but, we also need to see and respect why these people and why these circumstances are in our lives at the moment that they are....WE ARE GROWING...LEARNING...ALWAYSSSS!!! Life is not about who has the most or who has endured the most....life is about growing and becoming the person that you were meant to be...the person that lies inside all of us that we are afraid to let out...the one that would soar if only we would untie our wings...(a little dramatization...it never hurts, right? heehee)....but, in the end...those moments where we are ready to end it all...because we don't "matter"....when life looks like a war zone and there's no light at the end of the tunnel....those actually end up being the most beautiful moments in our lives...they are the moments we begin to see change...a whole new way of looking at things and a whole new way to appreciate those moments in our lives....and they give us an open door to move on to the next phase of life....so, wishing all of the people that have crossed my path only happiness...and gratitude for what they have given me...it's taken me a LONNNNG time to realize this, but once again...God placed some pretty amazing people in my life right when I needed them to be there...they showed me the err of my ways...and they also showed me that what I do DOES in fact, matter.....make better decisions the next time around....and know that we are ALWAYS growing and changing....there are people that I truly love and I always will, but I have to let them find their own happiness in life...just because I can't be a part of their lives, I have to let them go and realize that they will always be a part of my story...and I'm so, so grateful for that...I wish for them to find their way in life and hoping for their happiness...
Soooo, that's what has been on my mind the past few weeks...a lot of self analyzing and reflection...and well...growing!!! I obviously LOVE to talk/type..heehee...so I make long stories even LONGER...ha....hope that it all made sense and hoping that you enjoyed it...have a FABULOUS night everyone!!!! Thanks for reading!! :)))