..just for a moment..

Hello all!!  So, here it is...it's 235am on a Friday night...or should I say, very early Saturday morning...ahhhhh....and guess who can't seem to sleep....meeeeeeeeeeee!!!  I've spent the majority of my evening getting my apartment all Christmasized...love that word...don't you??  heehee....and breaking out the old Netflix...oooooo...not sure that was such a good idea..ha!!!  Anyway...here I am...thinking about the holidays and family and friends and just the random moments of life in general.  The goal of my little online world is to write about things that are important...things that we don't just sit around and have casual conversation about...things that mean something, both to me and whoever might be reading...probably more to me, but I write with the intent that maybe someone (myself included) won't feel so alone in anything...I know...such a big dream in a small world, huh...but, alas...I'm a dreamer....probably to a fault, as I've mentioned before, but it's my favorite part of me...YAYYYY!!!!
Soooo....before I begin...I apologize, because this is most likely going to be pretty lengthy...ooopsy....guess I'm in that good ole deep thought mode....AGAIN!!  heehee!!  This is probably the ONE topic that I'm the MOST afraid of, but after thinking about whether or not I wanted to address it on my blog...I thought, you know what...I'm just going to go ahead and do it...soooooo....herrrrrre goes....
My biggest...most hugest...MOST gigantic fear in my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE is.....can you guess????  Hmmmm...I'll give you a few hints...I'm a kitty lady (a title I wear very proudly, by the way..heehee)....I have AMPLE time to do a lot of the things that I want to do...don't really have the wallet..but, I do in fact have the time......sooooooo....have you guessed it yet???  Ok, ok.....I am SUPER afraid of being all alone in this life...to never find that ONE person that I will fall head over heels for and that would fall in love with all of the craziness that has become ME.....I've made some wrong turns, took a few detours....been sitting on the road where all I could see was "road construction" and been waiting for the road guy to turn that big stop sign around to tell me that I could move forward.....I think that I've hit enough of the "road construction" and detours to last a hundred lifetimes....sometimes I am so consumed with the fact that I am nearing that big huge number that might possibly start with a FOUR and feeling like there is something the matter with me...that life is just passing me by...that the things that were supposed to happen in my twenties...well, they just never happened.  We spend our twenties and thirties watching our friends get married...have beautiful kiddos...buy houses....all of the things that happen in most people's lives...I think that I must have been late (which, really is no surprise, since I'm pretty much late for absolutely everything...haha)  for that train...I've spent the majority of my life, seriously...almost my ENTIRE life blaming the fact that I wasn't a super model on the fact that I have not experienced any of these things....and you know what...I've also been throwing a pretty ginormous pity party about it too....that's not very fun, huh??  NOOOOOO....Miss Molly should be sitting here counting the endless number of blessings that she has been given....and when I say "endless number", I'm being completely serious....life has been OHHH SOOOOO GOOD to me....I have met some of the most wonderful people that ever existed AND on top of that, I get to call them my friends and my family....WHOA!!  YES...I'm totally and completely in love with each and every one of them....but, still....I can't help but wonder why the other thing is missing....I LOVE to watch people...have you ever just watched people...pretty interesting, huh???  After you sit there for a while, you begin to wonder what their lives are like...how they think....just anything...and then I find myself making little life stories for them in my head....CRAZY, CRAZY...heehee!!  People become so beautiful if you take the time to really SEE them...hear their stories and whatnot...pretty soon, you "see" something other than their physical appearance....it's funny how that happens, isn't it??  I was just thinking about that the other day...my best friend, Lisa...well, if you are on my Facebook...we go out quite often...see each other AT LEAST once a week...talk on the phone every single day....and she can tell me...I have a hair appointment on such and such a day and then I will see her after she gets her hair done...and unless she does something totally drastic...I don't even notice...not because I don't want to, it's just that you don't look at the appearance of those closest to you anymore...you start seeing what's on the inside..it's pretty amazing if you think about it....but, I also know that the people that I love, that are in my heart....always look absolutely amazing....no matter what...because they ARE amazing....
Sooooo, onto the next part of my story....sooo, like I mentioned earlier...I've taken some wrong turns...probably made what seemed like bad decisions at the time where guys are concerned...I have the innate ability to find ONLY the one's that aren't looking for anything more than anything really...everytime that I meet someone new, I'm like...ok, I'm going to get to know them and make a decision based on that...I don't want to think that they are just out there to hurt me...that would totally mean that I'm paranoid...there has been something about each of them that always has a familiarity about it...always the same type of guy...the one's that want nothing...don't want to hang out just to hang out...they don't want to know anything about me....nothing.   Oddly enough...look what I've ended up with......yep.....N.O.T.H.I.N.G!  Yes...there it is...the dreaded sentence that makes my soul shed tears that cause floods....haha!!!  ...but, then....a little glimmer....a little spark.....a little, itty, bitty light...I can see it....I can almost feel it....ahhhhhhh...yessssssss....I met him....I did, I did, I did....he even took me out to eat...TWICE...in PUBLIC....we went SHOPPING together..IN PUBLIC....we talked about ALLLLL sorts of things....I've never laughed so hard and so much in my whole life...we had SOOOO much fun together....I was completely honest with him....talked about things that I've never shared with a guy before....WOWWWWW....hands down...BESSSSSST FEEEEEEELING EVERRRRRRRRRR....EVERRRRRRRRR....EVERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   ...and then, in the blink of an eye...without any explanation.....GONE!  DONE!  Now what????  Well, I've been sitting around for the last 2 days throwing myself one of the biggest pity parties in the history of pity parties...but, yeah, it's starting to get old...I'm DONE doing that....sooooo, this is where I'm at....I'm going to look at this last experience as a growing experience....I am going to be thankful for the time that he invested in me....for the fun....for the laughs and for the fact that I let someone in, even if it was just a little bit, it was more than I've ever given....and I had SOOOO much FUNNNN!!!  It can't be a bad memory when for the time that it was happening...I've never been so happy and excited...ANNNNND I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to invest yourself into someone....LOVE the feeling.....I took a chance...yeah...didn't get the results that I was hoping for...but, I TOOK A CHANCE....I've NEVER taken a chance like that...EVERRRRRRR....can you even believe it....WOW!!!  heeeheeheehee!  I'm SO very proud of myself for at least hopping...I didn't quite get the whole "jump" in for that leap of faith...I just hopped...heehee...I need to practice a little bit more before I leap.....just to make sure I get it right when it needs to be right...so, I cannot be mad at this man...yes, I'm hurt...ok, I'm bruised...not hurt, hurt....I have to give him credit for making the attempt...it was nice while it lasted and like I said...soooooo much funnn....gave me hope...and it also made me realize that I can NEVER take the people that love me and support me through all of these little bumps in my life for granted....they are something that I will treasure forever....they are my treasure...and I hit the MOTHERLOAD...heeeheee....so, to wind this down...thank you to all of those who are part of my life and have continued to be a part of my life...I owe you the world and some.....I appreciate everything that you do for me and can only hope that I am there for you as much as you are for me......and, that my friends...are the thoughts of this dreamer...heehee....thanks again for reading....it is now 328am and I am going to TRY to go to sleep...cross your fingers and wish me luck!!  Nighty night everyone!! :)